Dear Friends, Just started my second novel. Need your honest feedback to know if it is working. (Anonymous comments are also welcome)
MR. ORWELL’S HOUSE
ONE
The whiskey
tastes awfully bitter but its after-effect is just wonderful. My worries melt
way the moment I finish my first peg.
A
gorgeous girl is sitting in front of me, smoking. ‘Mr. Khan, you have hired me
for two hours. One hour is already gone.’ The girl says while stubbing out her
cigarette in an ash-tray. ‘Should I start undressing?’ She adds matter of
factly.
‘Yes!’
I nod as I fill my glass.
Underneath
her red top and knee-length indigo skirt she has a perfect figure. She unstraps
her brasserie exposing her pink-tipped breasts which are perfectly round as if two
upturned soup bowls are placed on her chest. Silicon implants, I suspect and feel excited anticipating her next
move. She takes off her black panties too, and slips into my bed. For next half
an hour, she works with her hands, mouth, lips, tongues and other delicious
parts of her body and I become a splotch of wax on a hotplate, ready to melt,
evaporate and vanish into the thin air.
She
is gone but her perfume clings to my senses, and her presence lingers on, like
a bad hangover, reminding me of my sins. I bolt the door and lie on my bed with
the guilt crawling all over my conscience. I have broken two religious taboos:
I have consumed alcohol, and I have slept with a woman other than my wife. I try to dismiss these uncomfortable thoughts-
don’t I consider myself as an agnostic,
someone who doesn’t believe in the strict religious definitions of vices and
virtues? But, I can’t… Just, I can’t.
Slumber
catches up with me soon. In my dream, my wife, Heba -dressed in an immaculate
white salwar suit- is looking at me with her tear filled accusing eyes.
Just
about the time dawn is peeping into my room, a ringing telephone cuts through
my sleep, startling me. I rub my eyes again and again, trying to organize my
thoughts through the surreal, multi-hued haze around me. The hangover is thick and persistent and not going to vanish so
quickly. The phone falls silent.
Anxiety
returns to haunt me when I think of my father. I am not even sure if Abbu is
alive. I look around for the comfort of the bottle when suddenly there is
knocking on the door.
Who has come so early? Wondering,
I drag myself out of bed. As I pull the door open, a huge punch lands on my
face. Ouch! I stagger but manage to
keep myself on my feet. They barge into the room. One of them shuts the door. They
are four men, all dressed in trousers and t-shirts, their faces covered with
handkerchiefs and their eyes have embers of fury. They start thrashing me:
punches on my face, chest and tummy, kicks on my legs and back. In between,
they inundate me with the questions.
‘What
is your real name?’
‘Are you an Indian or a Pakistani?’
‘Are
you part of Indian Holy Warriors Terrorist Group?’
Who are you? And why are you
beating me? What wrong I have done? I yell
while stepping back when one of them hits my head with the butt of his gun. I
collapse on the ground and begin to lose consciousness. The last three words I
hear are ‘Search the room.’
**
Returning
to my senses and I find myself lying near the door of the toilet. The stench
rising from the unflushed commode fills my nostrils. There is excruciating pain
in my left leg and in my ribcage. My head is heavy like cotton bales in the rain.
My eyes are bloody and blurry. Mustering
all the strengths, I try to stand up but as my left foot touches the ground, a sudden
searing pain makes me scream as if somebody had stabbed a red-hot iron rod into
my left calf. Swirling like a rhythmic gymnast,
I fall on the mosaicked floor, my head hitting the leg of a wooden chair. My
eyes get shut and I am in a dark tunnel. Images, moving in fast cuts like a
trailer of a movie, flood my mind.
I see a milestone with ‘Motihari 0.5 Km’ engraved on it. Then, a bullock cart comes into
the view. It is trudging along a muddy road negotiating the potholes of
different shapes and sizes. A dark and stout fellow sits on the driving seat,
prodding the oxen between their hind legs with a stick. Just behind him is a tall,
lanky young man with reddish white skin, deep brown eyes and meagre beard on his chin. In the canopied part of the bullock cart is
an elderly woman in a white sari, holding a beautiful and hugely pregnant young
woman who is bellowing with pain.
Is it a dream? Am I hallucinating? Or are these some
old memories? How can I have memories of an event which happened before I was
born? But, there are inherited memories.
We also borrow memories. The memories can be fake too—something you have never
seen or experienced but in course of time you start believing that you have. I have read these lines in a Booker winning
novel by a British writer. I don’t remember the name of the author.
The man with the beard is my father, Abbu, the pregnant woman my mother, Ammi, and the old lady my grand ma, Dadi, my father’s mother. This scene was
played out on the evening of June 1970, just before I was to arrive in this
world.
2 comments:
It's a clever beginning to what looks like it's going to be a serious story. It's a bit wordy - needs some trimming and it needs some indication of why this character has an 'escort girl'. You could add a line about this after the flattering description of her. This is rather a clumsy label, too. It suggests a girl who has come from an agency. Just 'the girl' might be enough, unless the character is significant. I always use a piece of free software called 'ProWriting Aid' to pare down the wordiness. Try it. It's doing fine already but with a few tweaks could be snappier.
Thanks for your insightful comments
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